3 1/2 years old Part II: Reader's question about waking up and staying up

I've written a bit about what's going on in the three and a half year old's mind during this critical transition period. I'm not sure if I find this stage so fascinating because it just is so inherently damn cool or if it's because I'm watching my own kids creep up to this phase. They're about 3 months shy of 3.5, but they're certainly showing some typical behaviours: increasingly sensitive, more needy, more demanding, more meltdowns over the most RIDICULOUS things ("I don't WANT my sand to fall out of the truck!" ,"J doesn't know how to COOOOOOOOOUNT! He's doing it WRRRRRRRRRROOOOONG!", "I don't EVER, EVER, EVER want to be gooooood. Good is BAD!", "R hit me in my dreams and he won't say sorry."). I'm sure I would have lost my mind by now with these meltdowns if they didn't seem so damn INTERESTING in terms of what it says about their developing minds. And they kind of crack me up too.

OK, onto more important matters. Here's an email from a woman with twin 3.5 year olds. Her kids are in the throes of this transition period and, did I mention, she has TWO of them going through it at the same time? 

I have identical twin daughters who were born in October, 2005.  There were 10 weeks early, if that makes a difference.  We've always used no cry methods to get through their sleep regressions.  They are not great sleepers, but they aren't really horrible either. They stopped napping about a year ago and their nighttime sleep really improved.  We put them to bed around 7pm and leave their room. For the most part, they go to sleep without major issues. On a good night, they both sleep through and wake up around 7am.  One of them has night terrors which we've discovered occur when she has a full bladder and putting her on the potty at the first whimper has solved that problem for us.  Our other daughter is a mystery that I can't solve.  In addition to occasional nightmares, after which she goes right back to sleep, about once a week or so, she wakes up in the middle of the night (around 1am or 2am) and can't go back to sleep for 2-3 hours.  She's not upset.  She's not crying.  She's actually in a really good mood.  She's asks if it is morning and to go downstairs and play.  We've been very consistent about it being nighttime and she needs to stay in bed and rest even if she's not sleeping.   We've tried leaving her in bed alone, but she keeps getting up and comes looking for us.  We've tried putting her in bed with us, but she just tosses and turns and keeps both my husband and I awake.  We've tried laying in her bed with her, where she still tosses and turns, but at least is only keeping one parent awake.  After 2-3 hours, she is sleepy enough that we can leave and she'll fall asleep on her own.  We've tried changing her pullup and having her sit on the potty.  We've tried asking her why she woke up, about dreams, etc.   She never has an answer for why she woke up and can't seem to verbalize why she can't go back to sleep.  Meanwhile, her sister is sleeping peacefully in the bed next to her, wearing the exact same pajamas and sleeping under the same number of blankets and so forth. She will happily sleep late the next morning to make up for this loss of sleep, go to bed on time and sleep fine the following night.  I can't find any triggers for this behavior. It doesn't seem related to food or activity level.  There is no discernible pattern.  Is this something that other preschoolers are doing as well? 

So, the answer to that last question is a resounding YES!  This is VERY common for kids around 3 to 4 years old. R.'s question is almost identical to several that I've received (except for the twin part). Moxie just had a great thread of comments that pulled out a lot of stories of sleep disruptions during this period, so go check that out too, if you haven't already. Kids this age often have a hard time getting to sleep (when beforehand many of them dropped off in 5-10 min, now it's taking hours sometimes) and/or they find it difficult to put themselves BACK to sleep. I've already mentioned that the biggest change that happens during this stage is the onset of "theory of mind."

Children at this age—and especially those who are more sensitive temperamentally—suddenly feel vulnerable in contexts that were fine before, and they feel especially vulnerable when they imagine that their thoughts or feelings might be viewed as “bad” or inappropriate. They also begin to show other insecurities at this age, including anxieties about others being angry at them and less explicit fears and concerns. Shame and anxiety are such powerful emotions, and they are often emotions that we don't understand well (even as adults). The capacity to feel these emotions on a deeper level can be very unnerving. Sleep problems after the age of 3 is less likely to involve crying spells or other extreme emotional displays. But it may evoke more subtle emotional reactions that are just as disturbing. What is your child feeling while lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come? Is she wondering about how you or others perceived something she did that day? Does she wonder if being left alone reflects your disapproval, your wish to be rid of her? She now has the capacity to imagine that you are thinking just about anything, and a young child’s imagination can go to extremes that you and I would find remarkable and sometimes frightening. Children have plenty of time to ruminate about what their parents might be thinking about them while they are lying in bed alone. Keep in mind, there doesn't need to be any ACTUAL rejection or disapproval from the parent for a child to nevertheless start wondering about what WOULD make mom reject her, what WOULD make dad mad, etc. (IOW, I'm not suggesting that you or any mother out there is intentionally rejecting their child, only that the child now has the ability to IMAGINE that it could happen).

I haven't ignored what R. told us: when her little girl wakes up, "She's not upset.  She's not crying." That's very common. And I'm not going to profess to really know what's inside your child's mind, you know her best. But it might be that she's actually very happy to see YOU. When you come into the room, she may feel a rush of warmth and security that she wasn't feeling while lying alone thinking the new thoughts she can now think. So, even if she's not traumatized when she wakes up and she's not crying or screaming for you, she may still be feeling the small insecurities that are the hallmark of this stage transition and those feelings may be exactly what's making it difficult for her to fall back asleep. The fact that it's not happening every night may be actually an indication of how generally secure she does feel.

In terms of what you can do about it, my take is that there's not much you can do about the waking, but you CAN do something about how she feels while she's awake. If she asks why she can’t sleep with you, or why you can't play with her now, it would be important to reassure her that it has nothing to do with her qualities. It’s not about her being a bad sleeper, or not as quiet as her sister, or babyish, or selfish. (Of course, don’t raise these issues by name if she doesn’t!) Rather, let her know that everyone wakes up once in a while and that everyone has many thoughts sometimes in their heads that keep them awake. You can try talking to her about her day and how it all went at bedtime, just before a calming story or song or whatever your routine is. Processing with her some of the experiences she's having that she may not fully understand might help with preventing her from doing it herself in the middle of the night. This kind of reassurance can go a long way during this period of emotional uncertainty. But the bottom line (and the recurring chorus on this blog) is this stage will pass. If she was a fairly good sleeper before, it is likely she will go back to sleeping just fine through the night in a month or so. 

The last thing I wanted to mention was the CRUCIAL point that R. makes that her other IDENTICAL TWIN daughter (i.e., genetically the same) is having none of these problems at the exact same age and in the exact same context. I LOVE how this example brings home the point that it really can be quite different from one child to the next. Although almost all children go through these developmental stages at approximately the same age, the style with which they COPE with these changes can be vastly different. The beauty of having twins in this kind of case is that you can let yourself off the hook -- neither your genes nor your parenting style seemed to have caused these sleep disruptions. And there may be nothing you can do to "solve" the problem either... except providing as much emotional support as you can muster at 4 in the morning.

Anyone else been through this and come out the other side? I'm just as keen to hear war stories of this stage as anyone out there, given I'm just about to watch and wonder while my kids muddle through it soon.

Comments

[fahmi]

We are in the middle of this right now. Reading this is making me wonder whether our 3.5 year old is lying in bed thinking we don't like him anymore, especially since we go in and tell him that he has to go to sleep, NOW! For some reason, it never occurred to me that it wasn't something he was doing just to drive me crazy, but a real developmental thing.

[Me]

test, test.

[Betsy]

Found my way here via Moxie, found myself fascinated by this post because I also have identical twin 3.5-year-old daughters. One of them actually was a good sleeper from age 1 to age 2, but since then she's actually the worse sleeper of the pair, which isn't saying all that much. Actually, I suppose it's a toss-up. She's usually tougher to put to bed, but sometimes actually sleeps through the night in her own bed. Her sister generally falls asleep more quickly, but has night terrors and wakes up at least twice most nights. So, if both of them are kind of difficult sleepers, does that mean it *is* genes or parenting? :'( My tongue is, of course, mostly in cheek.

[Isabela]

@Betsy: Here's my approach: If it's something I DON'T like, and both my boys share some characteristic (oh, like, say, they BOTH insist on ignoring me when I'm trying to hurry us all out, or they BOTH tantrum in the grocery store when they can't get a chocolate bar), then it's from their FATHER'S genes. If it's something I love about them (mushiness, happy dispositions), it's obviously coming from MY genes. Everything else is a toss up and I chock it all up to the mystery of "gene-environment" interactions. I'm all scientific that way...