I've received three emails in the last month about the same issue, so I'm going to summarize them all here. The crux of the problem that some parents are having goes something like this:
I don't have any data for this one. Just lots and lots of anecdotal evidence and, of course, my personal sample size of 2 (one of my boys falls asleep in 2 min flat, the other takes almost 45 min to go to sleep EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT). In all of these emails, the parent doesn't mention any distress on the child's part when she or he is trying to fall asleep for naptimes or bedtime. And this is the key for me. The child is FINE, just not asleep yet. We often think that it's a terrible thing to leave a child in her crib or bed alone if she doesn't immediately fall asleep. The poor thing! All alone! Nothing to do, no one to play with, lonely and scared... But maybe not. Why do we assume that if a child's not asleep when we think she should be that there must be something bad about how she's feeling (bored, restless, frustrated)? If she was crying, whining, fussing, then yes, you'd want to try to figure out what's going on to ease her distress. But if not, she may just be one of those kids that takes a while to wind down before falling asleep. If your child is babbling, talking, singing, or just rolling around on her own without calling out for you, it's likely she is giving you the message that she enjoys daydreaming and playing alone.
We hear so much about "attachment parenting" and the imperitive of holding your baby as much as possible, carrying him/her, co-sleeping, and so on. But I suspect that that level of contact isn't always right for ALL children. Some kids NEED alone time. Some kids feel overwhelmed with constant interaction. And some kids have revved up physiological systems that take a while to wind down. Sometimes that means they need your help with that calming-down phase (and you'll know that from their cries of distress), but sometimes they're doing fine all on their own, with no help needed from you AND THAT'S JUST FINE.
If you have a baby or toddler that seems to take FOREVER to fall asleep, here's a few things you might want to consider:
My baby sleeps well once she/he is finally asleep. But for either or both naps and bedtime, it's taking him/her FOREVER to fall asleep. There's nothing I can do to make the process go faster. She/he goes into the crib/bed and then just lies there awake for 30 min [or 1 hour or whatever seems unbearably long]. Usually my child babbles, talks, or just plays with her toys in her bed. How can I get my child to fall asleep faster?
I don't have any data for this one. Just lots and lots of anecdotal evidence and, of course, my personal sample size of 2 (one of my boys falls asleep in 2 min flat, the other takes almost 45 min to go to sleep EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT). In all of these emails, the parent doesn't mention any distress on the child's part when she or he is trying to fall asleep for naptimes or bedtime. And this is the key for me. The child is FINE, just not asleep yet. We often think that it's a terrible thing to leave a child in her crib or bed alone if she doesn't immediately fall asleep. The poor thing! All alone! Nothing to do, no one to play with, lonely and scared... But maybe not. Why do we assume that if a child's not asleep when we think she should be that there must be something bad about how she's feeling (bored, restless, frustrated)? If she was crying, whining, fussing, then yes, you'd want to try to figure out what's going on to ease her distress. But if not, she may just be one of those kids that takes a while to wind down before falling asleep. If your child is babbling, talking, singing, or just rolling around on her own without calling out for you, it's likely she is giving you the message that she enjoys daydreaming and playing alone.
We hear so much about "attachment parenting" and the imperitive of holding your baby as much as possible, carrying him/her, co-sleeping, and so on. But I suspect that that level of contact isn't always right for ALL children. Some kids NEED alone time. Some kids feel overwhelmed with constant interaction. And some kids have revved up physiological systems that take a while to wind down. Sometimes that means they need your help with that calming-down phase (and you'll know that from their cries of distress), but sometimes they're doing fine all on their own, with no help needed from you AND THAT'S JUST FINE.
If you have a baby or toddler that seems to take FOREVER to fall asleep, here's a few things you might want to consider:
- Once your child DOES fall asleep, does he sleep for a healthy period of time? If so, then there may not be a big problem for you to fix. If your child ends up sleeping in later than you'd like, then consider putting him down even earlier so that he has time to wind himself down and actually falls asleep at the time you'd hope he would.
- Going back to the temperament discussion, if you and/or your husband are introverts, could it be that your child might likewise share that trait and that the period before sleep is a time when she gets those "alone time" needs met?
- Are there too many distractions in your child's crib or bed that may be promoting more play and less sleep? If you have lots of toys, especially ones that buzz and blink and play music, then these things may be too stimulating for the child to disengage from when it's time for sleep. One or two stuffed toys, a blankie, soother, lovey, that sort of thing might be enough to provide a soothing atmosphere.
My 2 1/2 year old takes an hour to an hour and half to fall asleep at night. I don't care. He's quiet, or chatting with his "guys"... it's funny to hear him download his day or plan tomorrow or just babble about funny things. He's fine up there. He's not crying. He's just relaxing. And hey, that's an hour longer for me to have "down time". :) He sleeps 9-10 hours after he falls asleep. Plus a 1 1/2 - 2 hour nap during the day (usually takes 30 minutes to fall asleep then). Fine by me. Now, he WILL fall asleep faster if I keep him up later - but why battle with him til he's super exhausted when bed time is pleasant if we do it at our normal time?
Posted by: Jill | August 30, 2009 at 01:33 AM
Oh and I should add that I do consider myself an attachment parent.. And I've never let him cry it out or anything. He just relaxes in his bed.
Posted by: Jill | August 30, 2009 at 01:35 AM
I remember when my daughter was just a few months old, she'd be so fussy and cranky, and I didn't know what to do! I had tried nursing, changing her diaper, entertaining her... but she still wouldn't stop crying! My mom suggested I take a break and she held her. Moments later, she was quiet. I think sometimes babies need either a change of scenery (her mood still changes when I take her outside when she's been inside all day and cranky "for no reason"), or a change of person (especially when they have the same person all. day. long.) or a change in... anything!
I think certain personalities call for a change, whether it be some "alone time" or going to grandma instead of mom (because she's been with mom 24/7 since she was born...), or whatever!
I know, sounded kinda unrelated, but I think they're linked in a way. Babies need a change, and for some, the needed change is space and time to be by themselves.
I only WISH I had the problem they do! If Leah just played in her crib, I'd be one happy, well-rested mom!!!
Posted by: Grace Fox | August 31, 2009 at 12:13 AM
As one of the people who emailed you about this...thanks!
I don't think my almost 1 year old son necessarily enjoys the alone time but he accepts it and uses it to wind down. It can take him anywhere from 10 minutes to upwards of 45 minutes to actually go to sleep. He walks laps around the crib, tackles his singing frog, snuggles his blanket and hums to himself in various intervals until he decides to lay down and fall asleep.
I guess he is not distressed and it's more me that gets anxious waiting for him to fall asleep. I guess I'm still adapting to the complete 180 that he pulled on us when he decided he no longer wanted to be rocked to sleep.
Posted by: KP | August 31, 2009 at 01:32 PM
It was really odd for us - our three year old used to spend an hour or 90 minutes each night singing and chatting to himself before going to bed. For some reason, one night, we put him down to sleep a little early. Before 7, as opposed to before 7:30. Asleep in a minute. Since then, we've noticed that whenever we manage to get him in bed by 6:50, he is asleep by 7, but if we run a little late and get him into bed around 7:10 or so, he's up chatting till 8:30. I am not sure if having that narrow a sleep window is normal, but it's been consistent the past two months.
Posted by: fahmi | August 31, 2009 at 01:32 PM
My son is 5 months old and takes usually between 2-10 minutes to fall asleep. My husband can't stand if he doesn't fall asleep right away and wants to go to him - or if he wakes up 45 minute after he fell asleep ( and he often does wake up) my husband wants to get him up. But usually he will fall back to sleep by himself. My mother said to me that you should put him in his crib and say goodnight and he'll learn to fall asleep and I said are you sure? She asked me one very simple question " Do you fall asleep everynight as soon as you climb into bed?" and ofcourse my answer was "NO" and her reply was " well why would you think he would?" So true when you think of it, they are just little people.
Posted by: Carrie | September 18, 2009 at 06:30 PM