Helping our kids with the things that go bump in the night

I took my kids today to the doctor to get them some shots that they were missing. I told them that they were getting new "superpowers" that would make them even stronger and more powerful; that their bodies would now be able to fight even bigger germs and other teeny tiny things that could make them sick. It was silly, but they got SO into it and it worked to not only help them sit still for a needle, but also to feel great about it afterwards. And that got me thinking... What kinds of things do we do, and can we do, to try to lessen our children's fears? I'm talking about those everyday fears, the reasonable, relatively common, everyday fears. I thought I'd throw out some ideas and then ask you, dear readers, to chime in with your own suggestions. Tell us: What are your chidlren's everyday fears and what do you say to them, what do you do, watch, read, play, that makes them feel better?

 This isn't going to be a heavily science-based post. I just wanted to let you know about a few books that my own kids love and share with you some others that my mom friends have recommended. If you have some others you'd like to add to the list, please do...

There are some GREAT books out there that deal with children's common fears. I think books are so helpful because they provide a safe context in which a child can talk about her fears and face them in the light of day, with your emotional support (if you read the book to her or listen to her read it aloud). Books are once-removed from the actual thing that is so frightening, so children don't feel overwhelmed by addressing them (compared to trying to expose them gradually to something they fear, for example, which may be too difficult for some kids). Books also give kids the unbeatable feeling that their fears are shared by other people: Look! A book has been written about it! Other children also have the same feelings! For many children, part of the horror of their fears is that they feel so alone with them; they feel like they're the only ones that are so scared and the only ones that can't be brave enough or strong enough to deal with these things. I'm not an expert in children's books, so I am in no way suggesting that this list is a definitive, or even great, list. But see what you think...

For fear of the dark (and/or the monsters that lurk therein):

•   What's that Noise?:  "This cheery tale proves that there's safety in numbers, at least in the dead of night. With the lights out, a chilly violet glow falls over the bedroom of Alex and his younger brother, Ben and suddenly it feels as if the boys are hosting a veritable convention of spooky noises ("aroo aroo aroo") and spectral shadows (a branch outside casts a shape that's a dead ringer for a boy-eating dragon). Ben wants Alex to come over to his bed and sing a silly song to buck up their spirits..." (From Publisher's Weekly)

·  My kids love Can't You Sleep Little Bear? I think I've read it to them 200 times now. It's a classic: Big Bear helps Little Bear feel less afraid by putting bigger and bigger lights into his room to get rid of the dark. But what really helps the most, in the end, is Big Bear snuggling Little Bear outside, by the moon, the biggest light at night.

 

·      Scaredy Squirrel at Night: I have a thing for this little neurotic squirrel. So do my kids.  “Scaredy is too terrified to sleep, and on lively pages formatted as charts and diagrams, he presents potential night visitors (unicorns, polka-dotted monsters) and how he will guard against them (molasses, banana peels). Some vocabulary words will be a stretch for a young audience (hallucinations, drowsiness), but kids will be amused by the lively, busy compositions packed with silly details, and those who share Scaredy’s insomniac tendencies will enjoy the reassuring outcome.” (From Booklist)

For children dealing with separation anxiety, particularly from mom:

• 
  Mama Always Comes Home:  My kids LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this book. And they request it like clockwork when I've been working too much or too late or when one or the other is just feeling like they want more mama time. It can help all mothers, but I think it's particularly relevant to moms who work outside the home and therefore have to leave their kids daily. The "Mama always comes home" refrain can often be heard when I'm heading out the door in the morning... and it does WONDERS for my boys. "Mama Bird... feeds her babies, then tucks them beneath a quilt in their nest before digging up more worms; Mama Cat leaves her kittens in the barn to have a sip of cream in the house; Mama Dog runs out to play with her boy. Each example ends with the refrain: "Mama always comes home." At the end of the story, the human mother explains to her little one, "I want to stay,/but while I'm gone have fun and play,/and soon, before you know,/time will fly right by, and then/I'll be coming home again." (From School Library Journal).
  

For children with general worries/anxieties:

·      Wemberly Worried: I really like Kevin Henkes’ books. My boys are just getting into them, but they’ve loved this book for a while, constantly asking “But WHY is she so worried?” and “What’s going to happen to her?” Wemberly worries about really teeny things (shrinking in the tub) and big, bad stuff (not fitting in at school). The book acknowledges that all sorts of anxieties can come up in the course of a day and ends reassuringly hopeful.

Finally, I’m going to go out on a limb with this last one (and probably freak my co-blogger out as I go all “psychoanalytic”). I think one of the biggest fears children have is the fear of their own emotions, particularly the negative ones, and more specifically their own feelings of anger. It can be a very intense experience to feel the rush of intense anger that can take over children’s little bodies. Often these feelings of anger are accompanied by scary or violent images and “appraisals” or thoughts about wanting to destroy, hit, bite, or just generally go nuts. (These ideas I'm putting out here now are heavily laden with principles from psychoanalytic theory and, for once, I’m making no apologies.) Little kids’ anger can be particularly frightening when it’s directed at people they love -- it can really freak them out to feel the intensity of their desire to want to hurt their little brother or annihilate their mother or to just GO WILD against anything and anyone. We’re usually ok with trying to talk about concrete stuff -- fears of the first day of school, fears of the dark, fears of the funky shadows, strange noises and bumps in the night. But the scary stuff that bubbles up from children’s own little minds (and adults’, let’s be real), the images and thoughts that are dark and shaming and overwhelming, those we’re not so good with getting at with our kids. And that’s where another book, probably my favourite, comes in handy. It’s not exactly a hidden gem; it’s probably the most popular book in children’s literature (it’s certainly in the running). Of course, I’m talking about Where the Wild Things Are. Max is sent to his room for being wild and disobedient and his is PISSED. He takes off and battles with his “demons,” lets his freak flag fly and then comes home to realize that it’s all acceptable. Because inside all of us, is a WILD THING.

-- Isabela

Comments

[Julie]

This is great! It made me think about my daughter's tantrums differently. When she gets mad at me, she gets so scared and clingy afterwards, and now I see a different way to think about it. Thanks!

[Chaosgirl]

Another fabulous post! Great book suggestions. My 2 year old is devouring books these days and we are constantly reupping from the libary to keep up!

My recent fav -- "The Grumpy Dump Truck". Our son actually starting saying "Thank you" more frequently after reading this one...

http://www.amazon.com/Grumpy-Dump-Truck-Brie-Spangler/dp/0375858393

Does anyone have any suggestions for books that help kids with unsavory behaviors like whining, pushing/biting/shoving/etc.? WTWTA is a great one for normalizing misbehaviour and anger, but what about specific manifestations?

One thing -- being a clinical psychologist, I have to point out, Is, that your interpretation of fearing emotions is not entirely psychodynamic, but is solidly from a cognitive perspective as well.
So fear not, dear Isabela. Freud is not being reincarnated here, (unless you really really want him to be).

[Christy]

We just got a new "scary" book called a Dark Dark Tale. My son loves it! I was the one posting before about the 2.5 year old who is suddenly saying he's scared of everything. The great thing about this book is that it gives him a safe space to be scared. Each page has a "dark, dark" place - from the woods to a castle to the stairs and a room ... all leading to a dark, dark box with an adorable little mouse hiding inside. He's asked to read it over and over this week, snuggling into me during the first part, and reacting with glee with the cute mouse pops up.

http://www.amazon.com/Dark-Tale-Picture-Puffins/dp/0140546219

[Tracy]

For the person asking about books on curbing aggressive behaviour, I had some great success with a book called "No Biting" by Karen Katz. Though targetted towards toddlers, we read this well past 3 and I think the messages sunk in. It's not just about what NOT to do, but about things you CAN do.

E.g. No kicking the dog...What can you kick? A ball!