Strategies for easing separation anxiety (Ours or theirs?)

Let’s start with the necessary caveat: What follows is based mostly on my own experience, the experience of my trusted and often brilliant friends and colleagues and a whole lot of reading about related and unrelated topics. I have found very little trust-worthy science on evidence-based techniques that help ease or prevent children’s separation anxiety related to longish (a few days or weeks) separations from parent(s). Of course, there’s a whole lot on children’s separation issues, but in terms of an actual “how to” manual, program, or list of stuff that’s been “proven” effective? Not so much... But if you’re a mom like me who is always looking for ways to help my kids cope with (or even delight in) my trips away from them, I hope you find some ideas here useful.

 

So, first and foremost, I think that the sorts of things that will help our kids through these separation periods will vary wildly from one child to another. I talked mostly about age or stage of development in the last post, but there are a whole host of other considerations to keep in mind. For one, there’s the child’s temperament. Some kids are so mellow and easy-going that separations aren’t that big of a deal in the most dramatic of cases. These kids may need very little in the way of preparation and thoughtful strategies. Other kids are very sensitive/emotional/fragile/spirited in general and separations, even one night out on the town, may be highly problematic. We’ve talked a little about temperaments before here and here and, as usual, you know your child best and you’ll have a sense of what’s most appropriate for him or her.

 

Another source of variation comes from the other side of the equation: parents. Your parenting style, beliefs, the cultural norms you were brought up with, your own history of separations from your own parents and your own personality/temperament will determine in large part the sorts of strategies you chose to implement or stay away from.  My parents, for example, went away on vacations without my brother and me over the course of my childhood. I  now understand how fun that must have been for them, but for us, the kids, we LOVED staying with our grandparents -- they were WAY more permissive, gave into our every whim, and showed us and taught us whacky things we would never have been exposed to otherwise.

 

Then there’s the support system available to you when you do consider leaving for extended periods. Some parents may have a large family of close relatives living close by that would be thrilled to take their children for an extended visit: grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and so on.  Others have nannies or babysitters that have been close to their children for years. Still other parents may have a spouse or romantic partner that is ready, willing and eager to FINALLY have the kids all to him/herself. And then there’s always neighbors and close friends that may have fabulously close relationships with our children and who may be happy to take our kids for a weekend. These multiple attachment figures may be crucial for how children adjust to our departures. BUT... other parents don’t have the luxury of these support systems; or they may have them, but they don’t live nearby. Having to leave our children with people who don’t adore our kids and who our kids don’t likewise love can be so, so difficult and make long-term separations almost unbearable or simply impossible.

 

Finally, there’s the context of the separation that matters. Leaving because you “have to” for work or some stressful, distressing event (visiting a sick loved one, funeral, etc.) compared to leaving because you “want to” have an adult holiday which is child-free can feel very different both for the child and the parent. All these conditions will make a difference in terms of what sorts of strategies you feel comfortable using and which ones will be effective. 

 

Here are some ideas that I’ve used or I’ve heard has worked for other parents (there’s nothing particularly original about them, so please add your own in the comments):

1. DO tell your child you’re leaving, if she’s at the age that she can understand your words. It can be incredibly distressing to have the separation foisted on a child without the parent discussing it first with her. Of course, if the child is 6 months old, this won’t likely matter, but past the age of 8 or 9 months, I would say it’s important for the parent leaving to even briefly tell the child what to expect.
2. Personally, I would NOT tell the child about the impending separation until about 1 or 2 days beforehand. Knowing too far in advance may only serve to heighten anxieties and prolong them. Of course, this will have a HUGE amount to do with how you know your child. Some kids need LOTS of time to prepare for transitions and this may not be the right approach for them, but for many children, keeping in mind a day or two in the future is just about all they can do.
3. Some parents find it useful, especially for young children, to create a picture book or digital album of photos of the places mom will be visiting. These pictures can be put into a “book” and read to the child while you’re away. The ending can be about how soon you’ll be flying back and how fun it will be to play again together (with appropriate pictures to accompany these sentiments).
4. Focus on the positive: Draw your child’s attention to as many “good things” about the impending trip as you can. Kids take so many of their emotional cues from us (remember the research on social referencing?). For example, for my upcoming trip, I told my kids that when I get back, we’ll be going to get a Christmas tree right away and I played up how much fun decorating would be. I also told them all the great things they’d be doing with their father: you’ll be going to a restaurant almost every day! You’ll be going on forest adventures! You’ll get to watch a DVD every night if you want! These are all “special” things that they love and wouldn’t be doing if I was around. (Mean old mama). And of course, the classic trick: tell them you’ll be bringing back a special present for them. Some of you may have issues with the bribery aspect of this, or the “materialism” (for what it’s worth, I usually end up spending very little money; things like cool rocks and fun postcards and zippy dollar-store cars usually suffice) or the fact that it makes kids so focused on your gift rather than the pleasure of seeing your face again when you return. For me, there is nothing that gives me more relief and helps me get over the period of separation as seeing my kids’ faces light up when I return -- I really don’t care if it’s about the toy, I just want them happy. I respect and understand why others may have opposing views (and please let me know! I’m sincerely interested!). Also, in the past, the promise of a toy when I return helps with phone conversations when I’m away. I remind them that I’m looking for just the right present for them, they ask me what it will be, I tease them a bit about it being a surprise, and the excitement and joy that that brings seems to help with thinking about mama so far away.
5. Allow the caregivers that are taking care of your child while you’re away to talk about you and your absence. Some grandparents or caregivers might be tempted to distract the child when she brings up your absence, in hopes of lessening the child’s sadness... but ignoring or trying to distract the child at that point may just heighten anxieties. I was actually surprised to hear how infrequently my children brought me up over the course of my business trips. But when they did, my parents or husband made sure to reassure them that I was indeed coming back very soon, that I missed them and that it was ok for them to miss me.
6. Call them... or don’t. In my experience, and in conversations with lots of other mothers, I find this to be a tough call. Some kids will become very reassured to hear your voice when you’re away -- it seems a good thing to remind them that mommy’s still “out there”, thinking about them, she hasn’t disappeared. On the other hand, some children will BECOME distressed from hearing your voice. The phone is this funny thing -- it sort of connects you, but it’s also pretty darned frustrating because you can hear mommy, you can speak to her, but you can’t HAVE her. She’s perpetually out of reach and that partially met goal of connecting with mom can be the source of incredible frustration that can turn into pure rage and a deep sense of loss. I think the extent to which kids react well or poorly to these phone conversations has a lot to do with temperament. But it ALSO may have a great deal to do with the age/stage of the child. I think the early sensitive stages that I’m always referring to, in particular the 18-21 month transition period, may be the hardest for phone conversations. It’s because of how vulnerable children are to separations in general during these phases and how needy they can be. They may be coping just fine without you, but when you call, that neediness and vulnerability (and the potential anger that can be triggered by the sense that you are purposely withholding your love from them) can be a lot to take.  And you can’t physically comfort them, which is what they’re often looking for at this age. From personal experience, this was the toughest time I ever left my kids -- when they were just over 17 months old. But it was MY fault... I called. They were having a perfectly fine time with their father and until I decided to call, more because I missed them and wanted to connect than any perception that they were having a hard time (my husband had repeatedly reassured me that they were doing great). One of my boys did fine with the call and took it all in stride (yup, the temperamentally easy one). But the other, oh the tears... It was like he SUDDENLY realized I wasn’t there and the waves of vulnerability overwhelmed him. Needless to say, I cried far more than he did after that call (Marc called me that night to tell me, over and over again, how quickly he bounced back and how effective watching Mary Poppins was to wiping out any residual sadness).  And I never called again during that trip. My advice to parents who are leaving for the first time, or for the first time during a more sensitive stage, is to (a) trust your gut and (b) if you feel you need to call, do it once and feel it out, keeping in mind that it might be tough and you may want to make that the last call of your trip if it is difficult for the child.
7. When children get a little older, approximately 3 years or older, try video skyping if you have the capacity. There’s something about seeing a face connected to the voice that I think is MORE reassuring to a child than just this disembodied voice on a phone. It can also be fun and exciting to kids, to get on a computer to talk to mom (but younger than 2 may be very confusing and creepy, so feel it out and maybe practice a few times before your departure, with younger ones). We’ve tried this once with my kids and they LOVED it. For this upcoming trip, I started what they call a “chapter story” before I left. I told them 2 chapters and then when I skype them on my trip, I plan on continuing a chapter per night over the course of the trip and finish the story when I return home. That way, I figure they’ll have a sense of continuity, they’ll get to see and hear me and know that I’m still out there thinking of them, and they’ll get some exciting “screen time” which seems to be a strange form of crack for my kids.
8. Finally, depending on the age and temperament of your child, expect some “reunion distress.” This is a VERY common reaction that almost all kids have at some point or another during their development. It can be just as distressing, or more so, for the parent who has just returned as it is for the child. Basically, instead of the child being thrilled to see you and excited about hugging and kissing you, he reacts with either extreme anger (hitting or pushing you away) and/or by withdrawing. My husband studied reunion distress for years and it’s ubiquitous (I’ll spare you the links to his rather dry papers on the subject). Children who are securely attached to their parents often feel the first jolts of anger at being left when the parent returns. It’s as if, when you were gone, they could hold it together with the knowledge that you were returning. But once you’re back, they sure need to let you know they did NOT appreciate being left. During these reunion periods, my suggestion would be to not take it personally. Give the child some space and time to adjust to your return. Let her know you love her, that you’re sorry you had to leave her, that you’re excited to play with her again. Stay close -- it might be tempting to withdraw also, but try not to. Usually, these episodes subside rather quickly, but sometimes they can leave a residual moodiness and sensitivity for days. Spending extra time with the child, being extra sensitive to her needs is usually enough to get her over the hump.

 

PHEW! Is this the longest post I’ve EVER written? I had no idea I was embarking on a tome on this subject. Hmmm... do you think all this writing about separations may be a way for me to cope with my own impending trip away from my BABIES?!?!  My sweet, helpless, mother-less babies!!!  Ahem. Well, there you go (Whispers to herself: They will be fine. They will be fine. They will be fine).

 

What are some of the other ways that you’ve prepared your children for a separation of some length? What’s worked best? What doesn’t work for your children?

 

--Isabela

Comments

[paola]

Ah the reunion distress. I only left my daughter for a night whe she was 16 months old and when I got back she didn't even look at me when I walked in the door. Her behaviour was most definitely deliberate! I couldn't believe the cold shoulder she had given me. OTOH, my almost 3.5 year old gave me a super duper reception with lots of hugs and kisses.

p.s I know this is a post on longish seperations and the nxiety that might casue, but I was hoping to get some insight into the garden variety seperation anxiety. My almost 3 year old seems to be coming down with another bout of the damn thing.

[Chaosgirl]

What FANTASTIC advice! I know so many parents who are itching for some guidance on how to handle being away from their kids and I'm going to refer them to this thread.

I have no issue with guilt gifts if the goal is to reorient my son to the positive side of an absence. My father travelled a lot for work. I remember my dad getting me stuff and it made me look forward to his international business trips -- I might get one of those super-cool dolls in native dress!

Do you have any other strategies for managing parental separation anxiety, other than writing lengthy and informative posts to parenting blog? ;-)

For me, what helped was experience. After two short separations (1 night at 10 months, 2 nights at 21 months), we were relieved to see that our son was ok when we returned. (We actually planned the second as a test-run for the Paris trip.)

This was what I kept telling myself as I paced about Paris at midnight - he was fine the last time. And to remind myself that it's ok to miss him. And that I would see him again soon. And that it was going to be a very, VERY long time until we could have extended Parisian bistro meals without checking the cell or worrying about when the sitter had to go home. (I must admit that the Parisian wine was also a helpful distraction.)

On our return, we planned some intense family time for our return, so we could all get our fill of each other. I really looked forward to that part of the trip too.

[Yona]

I think it's interesting that you mentioned Skype as being creepy for kids under 2. My daughter is 15 months old and her grandparents live in another province. We have tried Skype so that they can see her, but she is definitely creeped out! She clings to me, becomes very shy and inhibited and says "bye" repeatedly while trying to close the laptop.
We are facing the impending departure of her favourite aunt who is desperately hoping that Skype will keep them connected. Fave aunt is moving overseas and will likely only be back for visits a couple of times a year.
Questions: Is the creepy factor of Skype affecting her in a negative way? Should it be avoided in children under 2? Can it impact her relationship with her far-away family in a negative way?
As for losing a very close attachment figure (her aunt) - will she even notice at this age? Do young toddlers miss people when they are gone? When she does see my sister again, will she remember her and the closeness they've shared over the past 15 months?
Thanks for all the superb info and insight.

[Bonnie]

@Yona so funny that your daughter is creeped out by Skype. Has she always been that way? Our 12.5 month old Skypes with his two sets of grandparents 3-4 times a week. I have no idea what he thinks of it, except that he doesn't seem weirded out by it at all. Sometimes he'll even try to hand stuff to his grandparents, but lately he has stopped doing that (probably because he realises they aren't actually there?)

The temperament thing makes a lot of sense. Funny thing happened the other night; we put the kid down for bed, left him with a babysitter (who arrived after he went to sleep), and went to see New Moon. When we came back she said he woke up about an hour after we left, and hung out with her for about 30 mins before going back to sleep. She is not someone he sees a lot of at all (once ever few months, in fact), so we didn't even think he'd recognize her. But apparently he gave a slightly confused look when she walked into his room (presumably after he had been fussing for a couple of minutes), she picked him up but he didn't cry, he pointed towards outside his room so she brought him out to the living room, he walked around the house with her a little, drank some milk, then she put him back down and he sent back to sleep without a fuss. When we heard we just thought, "HUH??" and wondered what on earth he was thinking when he saw the sitter (and walked around the house with her for 15 mins without seeing us and then went back to sleep)!

[Isabela]

@paola: We'll get to garden variety separation anxiety next week or the one after!

@Yona & Bonnie: The skype thing will definitely be effected by developmental changes. Tracy can cover some research on how kids process video vs pictures vs real life. But I'm not surprised a 15 month old would be creeped out, also depending on temperament and how long they've been doing it. Yona, I don't think the creepy skype thing will have a negative impact, but if she's not liking it but you still want to give the grandparents a chance to watch her interact, then I would just put skype on while you're reading to her or doing something engrossing with her, minimize the screen, and let the grandparents just "watch" while your daughter is being more "herself."

Oops gotta run. Back with more later!

[medea]

Thank you so much for the chapter book idea! My parents live in another country (okay, my home country) and we are all working to keep them close to my kids (32 months and 8 months). We Skype but my son's attention span is short. My mom started reading a chapter book on Skype last night and my son was absolutely riveted. No "hey look grandma, I can jump off the sofa!"
So thank you!

[Melina]

Ah, I'm already getting separation anxiety thinking about the fact that I am going to have to leave my then 20 month old daughter when I deliver my second child (prob. c-section). Any thoughts on how much she should visit, how to talk to her about it, etc.?

[nintendo dsi r4]

Separation is not a joke, it need so much of courage and patience. What an inspiration. I'll be keeping a close eye on your blog and looking forward to each new post.