Parenting challenge #1: Let's pretend

Today is the first day of a series of posts that will provide a bunch of small suggestions for effective discipline strategies, or parenting approaches, or whatever you wan to label them. Read more about the Parenting Challenge in this post. In short: The idea is that we can all use a few more strategies to try out in our most trying situations with our kids. None of these strategies is meant to stand alone as THE. ONE. BEST. WAY. TO. DEAL. WITH. YOUR. KID. I'll put a new challenge up every Monday and you all can come back to the comment sections with feedback about what happened when you tried it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We can all learn so much from each other: we have kids of different ages, with different temperaments, we OURSELVES very different personalities (with varying experiences of being parented that have shaped those personalities), we come with different parenting philosophies, varying family structures (married, single parenting, grandparents around, siblings in the picture, etc.). I'm willing to bet that all the strategies I put out here will vary in effectiveness with all those differences.

I'm going to try not to write pages and pages about the philosophy behind this or any other technique on Monday -- I want to simply put the idea out there. For the rest of the week, I'll try to provide you with some background and research (when there is some) on the strategy, interspersed with OTHER topics, so you guys don't die of boredom from this one theme. 

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, comes from excerpts from Playful Parenting. It's SO simple and yet I find it so difficult to implement if I'm in a crabby mood, generally stressed or I'm sleep-deprived (usually they coincide). The idea is to take any discipline challenge or conflict type that seems to recur and turn it into a game of imaginary play. Remember the words: LET'S PRETEND. And when you least want to do it, when you most want to put your foot down and insist that she JUST LISTEN to you... stop, breathe in, and say OUT LOUD "Let's Pretend." Say it as cheerfully, loudly, and animatedly (that's not a word, I'm guessing). This is one of those instances when you'll probably be faking it until you really mean it. With this "LET'S PRETEND..." introduction, most post 3 year-olds will stop in their tracks and you'll have them watching you for more instructions. Now here's the part that can take some practice. "Let's pretend..." what? You've got to come up with something that will pull a child into complying with your wishes without him realizing that that's actually what you're doing. But the mere act of pretending, WITH YOU ESPECIALLY, changes any power struggle into a fun way to connect and collaborate. It can work miracles. (There's a good reason why generations after generations have used the "here comes the airplane/train/car, open the station!" to get kids to eat a few more bites). Here are just a few examples:

• If your child doesn't want to get dressed in the morning: "Let's pretend that our clothes give us super powers! Once you put on your pants and shirt, what superhero will you be? MY clothes make me SUPER STRONG, maybe yours will make you invisible/able to fly/etc."
• If your child doesn't want to switch off the t.v.: "Let's pretend that [enter whatever character she's been watching on tv] is down the hall and wants to play with us. Who do you want to be [in the tv show]? I'm going to be [enter character]." 
• If you need 10 more min to get ready in the morning/to finish a conversation on the phone/etc.: "Let's pretend that I'm the queen who is coming to visit your castle for a feast. You're the King who has to get all your animals ready, cleaned, dressed, and at the table ready for my inspection! The Queen will be in your room in 10 mind... QUICK! Prepare for the feast!" 

Seriously, there's way too many examples to list. I JUST used this strategy a second ago, to buy myself 10 more editing minutes with this post. I told my boys: "Let's pretend that I'm Sir Toppenhat [dear god are you ever lucky if you don't know who that is] and that I will be coming to your train station. The trains need to be all cleaned and in their right order for the big race today!" Off they went to assemble the trains for the big race. Guaranteed that if I had told them to go play so that I can finish my work they would (a) have never left or (b) if they had, they would have been back in 30 sec asking if I'm ready to play. But providing them a REASON that I HAVE TO stay away for a few minutes worked. In fact, they just called back to me: "Don't come in yet, Sir Toppenhat! We're still working on the track!"

Some considerations:

• Kids much younger than 2.5 years old may not be as into the pretend stuff. There are lots of reasons that pretend play usually starts after that age (I'll spare you that review for another time). With younger kids, you can just ACT OUT whatever pretend scenario you want, without having to tell them to "pretend." (So, act like the big monster that will eat their food up for them if they don't eat it first; Pick up your child and fly him around the hall once he FINALLY gets his "super flying boots" on, etc.)
• Some kids are less inclined to pretend play than others. No big reasons, just some are more fantasy-oriented than others (just like some kids like to play with numbers and letters and others are bored stiff with that stuff early on). Most kids WILL get into it with you, if you "practice" these pretend scenarios with them.
• The older the child is, the more I would try to enlist them to make up scenarios with you. 
• It's a good idea to come up with a few of these pretend scenarios BEFORE a conflict or power struggle arises. In the throes of these conflicts, we're often angry, frustrated and exhausted, not the best context for coming up with magical situations to play out. If you have a few pretend situations that you know will peak your child's interest, think of how they could apply in all sorts of conflict situations.

This will be a great challenge to get your input in the comments section because some of us are more challenged in the fantasy make-up stuff than others (I count myself as one of the less "naturally" imaginative... but I'm learning). Give it a try and tell us: How did it go? What did you come up with? If it didn't work so well, why? If it DID work, what was so effective? Any new insights, thoughts, concerns that come up because of this exercise for you?

Edited to Add: CLEARLY I needed more than 10 more min to edit this post properly...

Comments

[Ellen]

I was having trouble getting my kid to get dressed and brush teeth and go downstairs and tried Let's Pretend! there is a circus downstairs and we are the main event! She didn't want to pretend, but I could see a little bit of curiosity in her eyes, so maybe next time she will be ready to play. I'm not ready to give up yet!

[Tina]

My son is 13 months, so this isn't as applicable to him. But, I was watching my niece, who is 3, a few weeks ago. She didn't want to brush her teeth. So, I pretended I was a plaque monster coming to get her. I told her that plaque monsters will eat all of her before bed snacks if she didn't brush her teeth and the only way to get rid of them was to brush her teeth. I didn't say 'let's pretend', but it worked like a charm. Next time, I'll try the 'let's pretend' and see what she comes up with as well.

[Irene]

My 22 month old isn't quite ready for "pretending" but we do the junior version of this. She actually LIKES to be tickled, and paradoxically, this makes tickling a wonderful threat-that-isn't. It doesn't really produce instant unquestioning obedience, but it breaks off the escalating battle of wills before it really gets started. So: "If you don't brush your teeth, the tickle monsters will come get you!" Does not scare her into brushing teeth, but sends her running into my arms giggling, ready to be tickled. Then we can move on to getting teeth brushed with a lot less difficulty. And when she doesn't want me to feed her something messy because she'd rather hold the spoon (and make a mess) herself, it sometimes works to pretend the spoon is an airplane.

[fahmi]

Our older child just turned four, and is really big on pretend-play. He likes to be the mean monster (as opposed to the hugging monster), or the chef-guy, or show off his magic powers. And he is the dawdliest little boy on earth. So I will give this a shot - the circus idea sounds like fun. My husband is willing to try, so I will keep you posted!

[Flo]

Oh my God, this actually worked! I had literally just finished reading the post when my 3-yr-old came in to report/brag about the poo in the toilet.

He hates hates hates washing his hands. So I said, "Let's pretend there are some giant monsters with enormous teeth that like to eat the germs of our hands, especially after we've been to the toilet. Quick, let's go wash them off before they get us!"

Okay, so it sounds a bit lame but it worked! He was all excited and we raced to the bathroom and he was keen to get to the sink before me.

Hopefully I haven't created new characters for his nightmares, but eh, we'll deal with that later.

[the klamsays]

We use a version of this to get our little guy (2 years old) to let us brush his teeth without him screaming like we're trying to kill him (what is it about teeth brushing and toddlers?!). We talk about needing to find everything he ate that day, which is hiding in his mouth, and then we ask him about the different "people" hiding in his teeth (usually it's Thomas & Friends, or the characters from Lightning McQueen) and then we go find them with the toothbrush. We ask if they are on the top or the bottom and he thinks it's funny to direct us to where they are hiding in his mouth. Hadn't thought much about it, just stumbled on it and when it worked, we went with it. But now that I read this post, I realize it's exactly what we're doing and it works really well for us!

[Natalie]

I love the ideas. It was a lightbulb moment with my (now 9 year old) boy who HATED to brush his teeth, telling him he had TEETH BUGS and they were going to eat his teeth if we didn't get rid of them really fast. For a long time after he started brushing his teeth, we could tell him, "oh yes, i still see teeth bugs" so that he would let "mommy get them".

[anon]

I thought this idea would work like a charm because my 2.5 year old loves to pretend. In fact, today when I tried to get her to pretend that the fabric my friend was talking about sewing into curtains for me was a river she had to stay out of if she wanted to stay with us it resulted in her whining and saying things like: "I don't want to pretend." and "I don't want to stay with Debbie." Maybe my scenario was not good enough or maybe my kid only likes to pretend when it means she gets to be in charge. I'll try it a couple more times, but so far I think other techniques might work better for us.

[Karen]

I just got this book 2 days ago after you had recommended it, but I have already been using this kind of strategy with my daughter. Around a year or so she became very defiant about diaper changes and I tried lots of different strategies to gain her cooperation, but really the only things that work are singing silly songs to her during the change or tickling her silly before I start, so she's in a good mood and doesn't get as upset. Playful parenting! I love it.

[Mary]

I don't know if this qualifies as pretend, but I did get the idea from the book a while back. When my son was about 10 months old he would always cry when I wiped his face after eating. In the book I read about putting yourself in the child's shoes, so I gave him the wipe and had him wipe my face while I would blubber and cry and say "no, no". He would giggle but he no longer cries when I wipe his face. I was amazed at how quickly the strategy worked. At 19 months, he's still trying to wipe my face and giggles when I "cry", but I love hearing the giggles.

[caramama]

Woo hooo! Worked like a dream this morning!

I read this book a while back and have implemented some techniques from it before. But I don't think I do the actual "Let's pretend..." much.

So this morning, instead of having a battle (again) over washing hands (and many other aspects of getting ready), this post popped in my head. Instead of getting frustrated, I thought about it for a minute and came up with a good "Let's pretend" scenario. I said to my girl, "Let's pretend we are monsters and we've stuck our paws in some mud and need to wash it off."

At first, she started saying she didn't want to and whining a bit, but then I held up my "paws" and dipped them in "mud" and made a funny face, saying "Ew! My monster paws are so muddy! I better wash them off!"

She giggled and followed suit. We then had to brush our dirty monster teeth while making monster faces and then wash our monster faces. When it came to dressing, I needed a variation and said that our "monster clothes" would give us "super monster strength." And that worked too!!! When we were finally leaving the house, we put on her "monster shoes" which let her walk on anything, including air! So I lifted her up and she "walked on air" to the car.

When we got to her pre-school and I was getting her out of her car seat, I said to her, "I had such fun pretending to be a monster with you this morning." What a difference between that and the morning last week when I had to listen to her have a melt down because I washed her hands, and I later yelled at her.

[Judy B]

At 19 months we're not quite ready for the pretend stuff, but I have recently made a conscious decision to be more playful to get through some potentially bad episodes. Much more receptive to mommy acting like a goof-ball than mommy acting like a drill sergeant.

[paola]

Worked twice! Once we pretended Zoe was Sally and I was Lightning McQueen and we were racing to pick up Noah from Kinder. She ran all the way ( until she fell over an scraped her knee, but at least she wasn't in the pusher for a change).

Then we pretended that Zoe was Cinderella and I was the Fairy God Mother and she actually let me put her hair in pig tails!!

What an achievement. Thanks Isabela.

[Miranda]

K is 8 months and so playing pretend isn't quite there yet but it's helpful to me so I don't get upset at the situation.
Plus I still remember my Mom doing this with my sister and me when we were younger and taking too long to get dressed in the morning. She made it into a race to see who could get ready the fastest, complete with everyone having a theme song to sing along the way. It got us motivated and we loved it as we had to go check on her progress every once in a while to be sure we were beating her. Poor woman though! She says now that we took forever and she had to stand waiting in her nylons for us to hurry up! I might just get this book. It sounds like my kind of parenting style.
Thanks.

[Julie]

This worked well with my 3 year old girl to get her dressed this morning. She didn't want to get dressed so I said "Let's pretend we're princesses getting ready for our ball." It worked while I got her dressed, but when I wanted to do her hair - she "out pretended" me by saying her hair was already ready for the ball with a beautiful tiara and flowers. So fell back on my old tricks ("the school doesn't let un-brushed hair into school") to get her hair done.

[Isabela]

What a great start! I love hearing about all of you who have already been implementing this type of approach. And it's SO great to hear the success stories.

@anon: thanks for sharing your challenges as well. I think it's great to hear from the people that it ISN'T working from just as much as from those for whom it is. I don't think this approach "clicks" with all kids and parents right away. But I'd encourage you not to give up, especially if your child DOES like pretend play other times. Maybe you COULD let her lead a little more in these scenarios?

[Anna]

We pretended that yesterday morning King Poop had to be allowed to go visit his Poop family down the toilet...otherwise I was going to be nervous the whole a.m. b/c my girl hadn't taken her normal morning BM. Worked like a charm; just in time too, b/c I was ready to just be the nagging, exhausted parent after a long night...thank you!! And who would have ever thought I would be writing about bowel movements, wow : )

[Isabela]

@Anna: that's HYSTERICAL and disturbing all at the same time for me. My husband is constantly telling poop stories when one of our sons is having "issues." WOrks, but I can't stand to listen. I guess you get the idea of how NOT able I am to go there with poop. That was even hard for me to write. Freud would have a field day with me...

[Cloud]

I was expecting this to work really well with my daughter, who will be 3 in April. She's super verbal, and very much into pretending.

But it flopped when I tried it last night. I think the problem was that my pretend scenario was lame. Her little eyes lit up when I said "Let's Pretend..." but my lame attempt at a Dora the Explorer pretend game around getting out of the bath didn't work.

I'll try again tomorrow, with a little more forethought on the scenario.

[Isabela]

I know this isn't your intention, but stories of "lame" first attempts at pretend scenarios are making me feel MUCH better. My first attempts were responded to, literally, with blank stares. (And when there's two of them, you KNOW it's not just the kid's problem).

[L]

I think I needed to try pretending this morning when my 2.5 yo son did not want to get out of his jammies. Any good pretend scenarios for that?

[Julie]

Bedtime is always a battle for us. I say, "Time for bed" and my son starts the whining and crying. Often I just pick him up and carry him in when the arguing gets too bad. But last night, I said "Okay it's time for bed. LET'S PRETEND...." and his eyes just lit up. It was totally lame too - the only thing I could come up with was that we pretend to be airplanes and fly as fast as we could into his room. His response was to add onto the scenario (he's 4.5) and he said "Okay okay. Wait. This is how we have to do it." and he proceeded to fly and crash into his bed with me behind him. It was great. I also have trouble getting him to eat. Anything. So this morning I said "Let's pretend that our pancakes are magic pancakes that turn us into tigers. Then when we're done being tigers, we can eat our magic yogurt and turn back into people again." He was completely on board AGAIN. I have to say I use this a lot but without the "let's pretend" preface, which completely turns things around for him and engages him immediately.

Can't use it too much though - I don't want it to stop working! I can't wait for next weeks strategy!

[Katherine]

Thank you for sharing this little gem with me. Yesterday morning my 3 year old asked when can we go to the beach. (We don't live near the sea, at all.) That evening he was riding his bike and didn't want to come in to bath and I remembered reading your post that day and said let's pretend we're going on holiday to the beach and the bath is the sea. He loved it, he had so much fun and it developed into a whole string of more pretending like being a fish, a shark and a pirate. Fantastic tip/tool! Five stars from me.

[Mia]

@Anna: Hehe, we were pretending that the master chef was making poop soup on the toilet yesterday. The day before that the little tiny poop baby needed a momma poop to keep him company... Constipation can really bring out the funniest stories.

[Christy]

This worked great with my 32-month old.

First, he wanted to have a picnic in our blanket fort, but then wouldn't eat. I said "let's pretend we're bear cubs who have to eat a lot of food before we hiberate!" (We'd just seen something similar on Curious George.) He ate a ton!! And did a lot of growing and laughing too :)

Then, I wanted to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and he didn't, so I said, let's pretend our friends the ants are coming for lunch and they want a cookie. He gladly helped me make the cookies then. Yes, I had to manipulate my 2.5 year old into making cookies. It's a hard job, but someone has to do it.