Some strategies for dealing with the dreaded temper tantrums

Periodically, I've received emails about temper tantrums and how impossible they are to deal with. Tantrums usually escalate in frequency from about 18 months to about 2.5 years old. Most kids don't full-out tantrum anymore by the time they are 4 or 5. But apart from waiting these hellish episodes out, what else can we do? Here's just one example of an email that I think summarizes most parents' concerns:

This is an email of desperation.  O is going through another series of wicked temper tantrums – tantrum every morning when we change his diaper (doesn’t want it changed), tantrum getting dressed, tantrum when dinner isn’t ready right away every night, tantrum putting on his mittens, tantrum last night because I called “may” by its proper name “milk” AND dared to put it in a yellow cup.  Often these tantrums are accompanied by the classic face-down on the floor fist beating etc. 
 
So, we wait them out.  He escalates to the point of hyperventilation and my heart starts to break and I fear that I am being the worst mother ever, sitting passively by while my child gets more and more worked up.  We tell him, “O, I’m not going to do XX while you are screaming at me.  You have to stop whining/crying/ask nicely etc.” After a while (15-20 minutes), he’ll stop, he’ll say, “I’m done now.”  I try distraction but, often, he’s too worked up to be distracted.

This is SO classic and, indeed, distraction and ignoring are often the most commonly suggested ways of dealing with full-out temper tantrums. But there are a few additional strategies to consider. Part of the problem with the (approximately) 2-year old stage is that their verbal skills can’t catch up to their thinking skills, so they get easily frustrated. And also? 18 - 22 month-olds are ALWAYS frustrated. So are 2.5 year olds. It's just part of the major developmental transitions that they're plodding through.

Here are some thoughts and suggestions to manage those temper tantrums when they pop up:

1. The idea of ignoring the temper tantrum when it occurs and not giving into the tantrum-ee's demands is straight out of any behavioural modification program of reinforcement (It's part of the "coercive cycle" we've talked about before). Those are still good ideas. The only thing I’d add is to walk away from the child and go to another room when he’s tantruming -- but remain in earshot so that he doesn't feel totally abandoned. Having you present, even though you’re not giving in, can be amping up his frustration (you are the evil being who is blocking his goal DAMMIT!). It’s not that he’s intentionally freaking out (in other words he’s not manipulating in any sophisticated way — he doesn’t have the cognitive capacity), but you ARE the object of his wrath and his hysterics are simply communicating that, as well as expelling his anger/frustration.

(Although you can see why many parents feel like they ARE being manipulated by these temper tantrums. Check out this video.) 

2. Forget the mommy guilt. Crying isn’t a terrible, bad thing that we should try to avoid in our kids at all costs. The only way our children learn to regulate their emotions is to express them first. As parents, we can try to take what we all feel, and the original poster expressed so well: “my heart starts to break and I fear that I am being the worst mother ever, sitting passively by while my child gets more and more worked up.” And reframe it with this: "Kids cry. Kids get pissed off.  Crying and raging aren’t in and of themselves bad (many kids just need to emote... A lot, especially when they can’t reason or talk it out). And I'm not a bad mom for simply witnessing his distress." You are doing everything possible not to escalate, you are not punishing him for his emotions, you are just there to witness them and therefore you’re inadvertently teaching him that emotions CAN be expressed (doesn’t mean he’s getting what he wants, but he can wail all he wants and you won’t hate him).

3. Try this set of responses, from the fabulous book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (works for some, not others). Give words to his feelings, mirror those emotions, repeat the rule you're trying to enforce, fantasize with him about his wishes. The steps are as follows: (1)  When he’s starting to whine/complain (but is NOT tantruming yet), give him words to express what he feels (e.g., O, you’re feeling so mad that mama won’t let you watch TV! Mad, Mad, MAD!), (2) Scrunch up your face and look mad, so he gets that that’s what he looks like and YOU get that that’s what he’s feeling, (3) Repeat your rule, accepting his feelings, but not his behaviour ("You can only watch TV after dinner; You can be mad at mommy but you can’t throw things/scream, whatever"), (4) Fantasize with him: "You know, I ALSO wish it was TV-watching time. I LOVE watching TV with you O! I wish mommy didn’t have to work, but I can’t WAIT until after dinner when we can watch together." Seriously... sometimes this set of steps work MIRACLES. The trick is to REMEMBER the steps in the heat of our frustration and anxiety.

4. Provide him with lots of opportunities throughout the day where he has the illusion of control (if not the reality). He’s being told what to do all day long: with parents in the morning, with child-care providers or at daycare, during mealtime, and so on. Children sometimes need to feel like they have some say in the way their day unfolds. Most of you have heard this stuff many times and have mentioned this in the comments sections. Provide choices: Do you want the blue or the red pants today? Do you want to take off your diaper now or after breakfast? Do you want to have cereal or toast?. Also, I'd suggest being very attuned to his behaviour so that you can catch him being strong, good, powerful, brave. And then praise the hell out of him (he needs to feel his power and control and that you recognize those things, not just put him down for it).

5. Look for reasons for escalation of tantrums: Sleep changes? Nap dropping? Missed snacks? Missed meals? Too much sugar/preservatives? Too little sleep at night? Sick? Teething? Too many transitions? Working on new skills (e.g., verbal)? This doesn't help us deal with the tantrums in the moment, but it does help us understand them better and it may help us to avoid them sometimes as well.

What are your favourite ways of dealing with temper tantrums? If you're past this stage with your child, what was the best advice you received?

Comments

[Cloud]

This is perfect timing for us. We are smack in the middle of the 2.5 year old tantrums.

Pumpkin screamed for literally 10 minutes a couple of nights ago because she wanted me and I was in the other room, pumping (the baby has a cold, and was having a hard time nursing, so I HAD to pump to keep my supply up and make milk for her bottles).

I have no ideas to add, but I will say that I particularly liked your explanation of why you should walk away. I don't try that often enough, because it felt mean to me. Now I see it in a different light. Thanks!

[EBPitcher]

Our situation is a little different in that we have to remind ourselves often that Peanut is only 23 months even though he has the verbal skills of an older child. The issue is that he doesn't have the emotional awareness yet. And even though he can just about speak in sentences, when he's upset, he might as well have no verbal skills at all.

We walk away occassionally. But what has worked for us when he gets emotionally out of control (although not to the point of throwing himself on the floor, thankfully) is to send him to his room for some quiet time. He gets to go in his bed with his special bedtime items (pacifier included) and regroup. Usually this will settle him and we can start again. The funny this is that sometimes when he knows he too far gone to get control by himself, he asks to go to his room. Shocked us the first time it happened, but it seems to work. So like any good parent, we go with the flow!

[Flo]

My 3.5 year old is still throwing tantrums all over the place.

I'd love to walk away, but he likes to have them in public places, so that's not really an option.

I usually sit quietly nearby though and try to ignore the stares from those who don't understand and also smile a lot at other parents. (When really I just want to cry and have a tantrum myself.)

We must look like a travelling freak show, honestly. Maybe I could start saying that it's performace art.

He's got great verbal skills and is able to express himself very well.

Afterwards he'll often want to snuggle and will tell me that I made him feel sad and he'll ask for an apology from me!

I'm really hoping this will pass sooner rather than later.

[Isabela]

@Flo: That is CREEPY. I seriously could have written verbatim what you just did. Down to J. telling me that "I'm still sad, Mommy" and "Are you going to say you're sorry, mommy?" after the whole debacle. Yes, the public tantrums leave a limited number of options. Mine was 2 days ago, I was the the literal travelling freak show: Walking to school in the morning with one child babbling sweetly holding my hand happily and the other, SCREACHING and WAILING at the top of his lungs (rather pitifully, I must admit). Of course, this was all because I took away the stick he used to try to whack his brother in the head with ("It's a GAAAAAAAME Mama, you aren't a part of the GAAAAAAAAME"). Yeah, mine's got great verbal skills too, when he chooses to use them. But in this case, he had every sweet looking nanny and grandmother stopping that morning on the street trying to make goo-goo eyes at him and trying to cheer him up. And all I could imagine them all thinking was, "this poor, inept mother has no clue how to handle her child..."

[Cloud]

Oooh, @Flo, I LOVE the idea of the public tantrum as performance art.

Not in public, but certainly a bit surreal: Pumpkin followed me around the house after work today, screaming at me because I would only give her half of a graham cracker and not the whole one.

[EBPitcher]

My pastor's wife once told me a story about how she and her two young kids were in Walmart, an hour from home, and they pitched a fit on her. She said she stopped, sat on the floor and pitched her own fit. For like five minutes. By the time she was done, her kids were quiet and she got an ovation from some Moms who'd stopped to watch!